.Move it.

I just had a chaotic converstaion with my mom. Well, it’s about something personal and we can’t meet halfway. It is just so depressing that, though I’ve known it all along, I’m already pissed off when I realized that no matter what the deal is, I will always end up loosing against her. And she also got pissed of, so to get even, she grounded me from using the internet, she even crashed the poor USB modem so it wouldn’t be useful again. I can’t describe how disappointed and depressed I am. Not because the internet modem was broken but because I was stopped to do something I wanted to do when I only have few opportunities of doing them. I am going back to the academy on sunday and the thought keeps me uncomfortable and weary. I really don’t want to go back to that place. Why would I want to go to a place where my guards are always up to prevent other people from taking advantage of me? I wouldn’t want to go back to an isolated place where everything that I do is limited to what I should do, where freedom is limited and I will have to wait for a long period of time to see my family and friends again. But I have to go back. And I will. Though the idea itself is suffocating.This sacrifice that I have to make to achieve what I need to do not what I want to do. Everything is really difficult.

I didn’t know what to do to get rid of the frustration. I thought of having a walk but I have nowhere to go, I have no friend who live nearby. So I dug may old stuff. The first interesting thing that I saw was the movie of one of my favorite books–The Secret. I decided to watch it again sometime later hoping that it will make me feel good the same way it made me feel when I first saw the movie. Then I saw my pictures when I was a kid. Particularly a picture when I was about 10, I was carrying a drum and holding drumsticks. I was a drummer back then. A part of me wished to go back in time, not to change anything I did that I wasn’t thankful for but to relive the moments when life seems so simple. Life when I was too young to know what I was doing and problems were so simple, life was never complicated. Yeah, when life seems easy.

But reality bites.

No matter how it annoyingly stings, it will just be more painful it I won’t accept it as it is and live the moment I am in. Life is more complicated now. I should expect rough roads and I should be tough enough to forward through them, because that’s the only way through. Which reminds me, I won’t accomplish anything if I just sit and write here. Well, I have to find some way to enjoy my stay.

hmm… maybe writing is not bad at all.

.show some respect.

Respect. This is an attitude that we all know and claim that we have
but in reality, we often do a lot of things that show its opposite
(most of the time, without realizing it). We have more than plenty of
situations where we take respect for granted—during formation (talking and
not listening while someone is giving an instruction or pep talk,
laughing at grammar errs and letting others notice it), in the
classroom (not listening to the instructor while having a lecture,
intentionally sleeping in class, making funny remarks when it’s not
needed, interrupting a talking instructor just because we can’t wait
to make our point), and even in the school properties (clogging the
drainage in head with some unmentionables, breaking things
intentionally or unintentionally thinking that they are consumables or
thinking that nobody will see or report anyway), it is so
disappointing that there are too many to mention. Maybe it happens
because we are too focused on self gratification and we don’t realize
the consequences of everything we say and do, or we can blame it to
“old habits die hard” because we are so used to disrespecting people
and places that we become unconscious that we are doing it, or it can
also root from the tradition started by others that influenced us, we
can mention more reasons but it will all boil down to one
thing—we don’t know what respect really is.
Let’s face it. There are many individuals out there who believe that
they gain respect, or they deserve respect just because they are
superior to others – when it comes to status or position and that gives
them the right to abuse or mock others. There are those who take
mistakes against those who made it because they think they are far
better. No. It doesn’t work that way. As the ethic of reciprocity
implies, do not do unto others what you do not want done unto you.
Before we do or say something (especially if it’s not good), we must
put ourselves in somebody else’s shoes first. The person that we are
laughing at when making grammar lapses or anything that shows the
level of his education, did we consider ourselves in his position?
Haven’t we realized that we are lucky enough to be given better
education opportunities than him and that if he was given the same
opportunity, he could’ve done better than us because he makes
admirable efforts in speaking English despite of difficulties and
mockery? When we interrupt someone in the middle of his statement to
make his point, did we consider that like us, he is also talking to be
heard? And we wonder why he was so eager to make his point—and pissed
off. When we buy something to be utilized by others and afterwards
we’ll find out that it was irresponsibly used, did we consider that
when we break things provided by our institution? When we are boasting
that we are proud member of an institution, did we consider that when we break its
rules and get away with it? When we require respect from
our subordinates, do we show them that we deserve it? Do we even
respect our subordinates to begin with? Or do we show them how to do
it, the way we mean it and the way it should be?
Respect is a complex idea and it can get even more complicated
especially when we have a wrong notion about it. Let’s put it in a
simpler way, they say that in order for us to show respect to others,
we begin respecting ourselves and by that we would know the limits of
what we can take from other people, things that we don’t want to be
done to us personally [we have to consider even the simplest offense
as we all have diverse reaction to everything, there are those who
over react and there are those who just ignore. The bottomline is,
let’s just be sensitive to the feelings of others] and once we know
our boundaries and considered other’s, we now practice putting
ourselves in others shoes before we say or do something so that we
would somehow understand their reaction.  Let’s accept that everyone
has diverse culture, character and individuality—and respect them.

My Sister’s Got a Boyfriend!

I’m happy seeing her finally having a boyfriend, after 20 years; I realize that (despite her height and boisterous laughter) my sister is not an alien!—She’s normal!

I just had a very rough day. The kind of day when I was so excited to go home from the moment I woke up at the IMMAJ barracks (around 0300 Hour) until I literally stepped on our apartment’s doorstep in Manila. Rough because there were not only few but many circumstances– and people, delayed my departure from that not-so-wonderful place and I ended up extremely exhausted. But that wasn’t the only issue because I was going home to a place that I literally don’t know where. My family changed our address when I was still isolated in that awful place in Bataan (together with other castaways) and for some reason I was not able to get the address (and even if I did, it wouldn’t be easy to find it—you know how houses are well arranged in Sampaloc). I went directly to my aunt’s house and thank God my mom was there ready to pick me up. Our apartment was a few-minute ride from my aunt’s. I thought the day was already over; I was smiling, thinking that I will be able to update my Facebook account once I got home and even more excited with the thought that I will be killing a lot of MMORPG characters with the game I am addicted to. But the day was full of something, seeing a visitor in our apartment isn’t a surprise for me (we occasionally have our relatives come in), but seeing a not blood related guy, who was suspended in school for a year because of me, sitting comfortably on our sofa is a very big surprise… and learning that HE IS MY SISTER’S BOYFRIEND, is a bomb! Not just your ordinary bomb—a nuclear bomb that blew my world out of proportions!—that, for a fraction of seconds.

You can imagine how awkward the situation was. We did not part ways in good terms, because though it’s not entirely my fault, I still pulled the trigger of his suspension and he lost a year. Oh! That story is complicated and that’s not the issue here.  The who doesn’t matter for I trust my sister’s meticulous judgment, it’s the what—my sister’s got a boyfriend!  Her big brother (I’m too thin to be called “big”, I know, but I’m still her big brother!) is getting sentimental. I have realized so many things because of the situation. I miss my sister.  Before I entered the academy, she never had a boyfriend. It’s not that I was an over protective brother back then (I was even excited reading the love letters sent to her especially when we were in high school), it’s just that she knows she was too young for that sort of thing that time. Before, I was the only guy she clings to. Wherever I go, my little sister was there. Almost all the time I got punished by my mom because of my failures she was also there with me, consoling me. We had countless misunderstandings, I have hurt her (I still regret that!) and she’s done the same, but every after, we say sorry to each other. She does things for me—wash my clothes, cook and serve me food and even serve me coffee. I brought her to school whenever I had a chance (that was, when I was still working, she’s already college that time), and I kissed her on her cheeks or forehead (or head) whenever we parted ways (I still do, even in public). Whenever she asks me money I give her more than what she asks for (especially when she have projects or she wants to hang out with her cute girlfriends) and when I was short, she gave me her spare money from her allowance. We were so sweet that those who don’t know us personally mistook us for a couple whenever we were together (especially in high school, we were on the same school).  Now that she has a boyfriend, everything will not be the same. I’m not jealous of her boyfriend or anything, I know that the situation is far different from what I am afraid of but it feels like she’s going away, other than me and our father, there’s another guy in her life. Time works so swiftly. I know that this would happen, that she would have a boyfriend someday, and eventually marry and have a family of her own; I just didn’t realize it would happen this soon.

Oh well, this is inevitable. It means that my sister is not getting any younger (so am I. haha). This gives me the realization that I should maximize my time with my two sisters. Later, my youngest sister will be in the same situation (but I pray this not to be soon)

“Just about the right thing…”

I just had a coffee conversation with my mom and pop. I opened up everything that happened to me these past 7 months. I get to even more realize how identical our idealisms are. I’m so glad I had the conversation with them for I was able to let them know that they taught me well to be more like them in terms of moral conviction. Something like doing what is right even though how difficult it might be. Not being coward of accepting what is there and real even though it’s not what we wanted for ourselves. These kind of difficulties are more effective in realizing right idealisms and gaining right values that will teach us the dignified [or you can say honorable] way of dealing with life’s obstacles, a lot of ways more effective than just physical hardships. Fighting for what is right against everybody [who are accustomed of doing wrong things and regard them as traditionally right though deep inside they know they’re wrong but don’t have the courage to admit it]  is way more difficult than just hours or days of massive exercises under the burning heat of the sun for massive exercises deal only with body pains and bruises that can be cured and will heal and vanish in a short period of time but going against a lot of people [who thinks they have the authority over others and use it immaturely] for moral conviction is more of a long term battle and mental torture and if you’re not tough enough, will lead to emotional haywire.

I don’t want to ask questions why people do things for I believe all of us have different personalities. But I do hope that everybody asks themselves first before they do things…

“Am I doing the right thing?”

And the right thing should be done always. People may not understand and will say not-so-complementing things against you [and sometimes do unfair and inhumane something-something to you] but believe me, you’d rather have them as your oppressor than your own guilt and conscience. Well, I’m not a kind of person who goes at ease when I know there is something wrong and I’m not doing anything about it, as much as possible I do something to make it right because who knows, if I don’t do something about that wrong something, it might cause me bigger troubles so I’d rather suffer oppression from other people who thinks I’m wrong than regretting for not doing anything about that wrong thing. You see, whatever sides you’re on there will always be sacrifices you’ll have to make; there will always be people who will go against you. The only thing that will make the difference is choosing the right thing to do. When you do the right thing, God is with you, the Law is with you, your conscience is with you and whatever happens to you, these three will always guide and defend you [specially the first One]. Knowing that these three got your back, you are stronger.

But before you ask the question to yourself, you must be guided properly of what the right thing is―the morally right thing… not the traditional.

☻About Me☺

Hi there! Curious about who the run away fish is? My name is Jay-ar, 22 years old of Sampaloc, Manila. I am not the kind of writer who regularly writes but I love writing and just like anybody else, I do it to express myself. This is like an online personal diary for I share not only anecdotes of my roller coaster life but also tips and tricks that I know just right about anything under the sun and ideas that comes along my mind that I know worth sharing. I can’t tell friends about updates about me one by one so I will suggest to have this site visited if anybody is interested of knowing what’s latest about me.

It is entitled as the Run Away Fish for I compare myself to a fish. I’m not literally running away from home but I’m leaving home to work in the ocean soon. I consider this site as my Play Pond for here, I will practice my freedom of expression.

This site may be subjective in some manner so If you have some rants and raves about my posts, feel free to leave a comment.
The following are random facts about me that you might want to know

Name:             Jay-Ar Llanillo
Nickname:    Erin, Kal (far from my name? it’s a long story)
Course:          Marine Transportation and Engineering
School:           Maritime Academy of Asia and the Pacific
Hobbies:        Playing ROhan (online RPG) , watching movies, English TV series, web browing and chat.
Colors:           Green, Black
Religion:        Roman Catholic
Movies:          any Fantasy-Adventure movies, and English Teeny bopper and reaaally funny movies.
Food:              Chocolates, cakes and Veggies
Dream:           lay down on a bed of…. Dollars^^♥
Quote:            If you think you can, or you think you can’t… either way you’re right, it’s all in your mind.
Books:            Academic books and any kind of magazines
Lovelife:        Not in the vocab as of the moment ^^